Kenn's Bits of Immortal Wisdom
Uhhh...yeah. So I forgot I had a Blog. Oops!
So we all know that I suck at regular updates, but this is sad even for me. It's been over a year since my last post. WOW! So much has happened. I don't even know where to begin. First...with everything that has happened, there are still some constants:
Still bartend at IBT's.
Still live with Jose.
Still a slave at Boston Market.
That's about it.
I host a Karaoke show at IBT's on Sundays from 4-8:30 PM. That's a lot of fun.
I'm just not feeling any inspiration. I got lots to tell, but Ineed to wait until I can punch it with witty rhetoric instead of rambling on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on...
wwwhat.theFUCKbook.com
Ok.
WHAT THE FUCK! Wait. First, how kick-ass is it that I actually updated twice, that's right, TWICE in one week! I know you're all proud. And you must all be wondering what the hell could be so big as to warrant me making a new post almost 3 months ahead of schedule. Well, your wait is over.
The FaceBook
That's it. Have you actually been to this website? It's horribly addicting. I've spent hours there. Kinda sick. I'm in like 10 groups from the Order of Wellhung Men to the Marketing Majors group, to the U of A Gay Singles (which I created) Long boring story short, I like the facebook.
HOWEVER
I must caution all of you. Be ware of the psycho facebook crazies. They are all out there, waiting to get you. Serious. These people are fuckin nuts. Here's the whole story:
So, last night I was really tired so I fell asleep by like 10:30, a good solid 2-3 hours before I usually fall asleep. So, I wake up at 4am, 2-3 hours early. Whole schedule is fucked up. I HATE THAT! So, I get something to drink, and turn on the TiVo. I watched the Apprentice that I slept through last night. Then I put on Friends, and figured I'd fall back asleep. Then I get a phone call. 5:10 AM. So I say "hello." Some guy starts talking to me, I'm thinking 'who the hell calls someone at 5 AM?' but I say "who is this?" he says "it's Chris" like I'm supposed to know who he is. I'm thinkin drunk, wrong number. After like 5 minutes, we finally established that he knew who he was trying to call, and I didn't know him. He got my info off of facebook. Then he asked me what I was wearing! I'm laughing my ass off insode, but being the bitch I am I decided to fuck with him. I told him I was only wearing boxers (underwear, swinging man-bits = turnon to wierd horny guy; polka-dot pj's, not so much). Then he asks if I'm hard, so I say "sure" and he wants to know how big my man-bits are. So I told him 8 inches (again, a stretch of the truth for the sake of my annonymous caller's simple delight - does this make me a phone-sex operator?) Anyway, I'm off track. He asked if I was hard, so of course I said "getting there." Then he starts gettin all excited and moanin and talkin about how he wanted to suck me off and would I like it and I said "uh-huh" and he kept goin. He asked if I was strokin my man-bits and I said "sure." He started breathing harder and harder. Meanwhile I'm trying not to burst into laughter. He sounded like he might be almost done so I finished it of with "Suck my cock I'm gonna cum!" and he started goin nuts. Moanin and screamin and so forth, so I figured He was good-to-go. So I hung up and resumed the episode of Friends. Then he calls back! FREAK! You know, now that I think about it, I might be the worst phone-sex operator in the whole world!
See y'all soon, unless you are crazy facebook stalkers.
-Kenn
Quarterly Update - Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy Chaunakah, Happy Kwanza, Happy Solstice, Happy New Year...yeah, I'm a bit behind.
Ok. So it's been a while since my last post. 3 months and 2 days to be exact. Lots of holiday bullshit crammed in there. Sorry if I missed your speciffic winter holiday, but obviously it's not that important, so you should stop celebrating your lame imitation-holiday and pick something Hallmark actually makes a card for. So, it's the end of January, and so much has happened.
First - I'm a bartender! Yippee! So, y'all bitches better come see me on Wednesdays at IBT's. For now. I'll have weekend shifts soon. Seriously. Especially Mexi-Nick. You owe muthafukka! U never came in that Sunday, and I haven't heard from you since!
Second - speaking of Sundays, Sundae (the cat) is no more. No, not dead, but gone still the same. I shipped that bitch off to Floroda. Yup. She's retired. Livin it up in sunny Boca. Well, not boca so much as Bradenton with my mom and Charlie, the cat from Hell. He's so cute and playfull, and he gets into EVERYTHING! OMG! That cat is gonna get killed. Once, he was in the dryer and Jim (mom's x#4) turned it on. You think he learned his lesson? Nope. He came out a little dizzy (and quite fluffy I might add) but undeterred. My mom no longer has knick-knacks, well not on shelves anyway. He knocks everything over, the little bastard. But I digress. I'm talkin about Sundae, not Charlie. She was none too pleases with me. First, I had to tranq the bitch just to get her on the plane. Can you imagine an 8-hour flight with her meowing every 10 seconds??? Those of you who've met her know what I'm talking about. Then she got to Florida and realized that she had no clue where she was. She found a bed and made herself comfortable - underneath. Didn't come out for 3 days (other than to eat, drink and shit with conveniently placed food/water and a cat box right next to the bed). But mom says she's doing ok now, even though she is not crazy about Charlie.
Hmmm what else should I tell you...Mike might be coming home! He hates LA! Yippee! We miss you Mike!
Well, I'm just not feeling witty tonight so I'm gonna leave this boring post as it currently stands. Sorry, deal with it. I'm takin classes from hell this semester, so I prolly won't get around to writing again until May. Maybe more if Clark keeps badgering me about it - he's good at that. But, just in case I don't get around let me wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day (hate it) and a Happy St. Patrick's Day (love it) and Happy April Fool's Day (love it more) and who knows...Happy 4th of July too!
Peace, Love, and Blowjobs (unless you are a girl, then it's cunnilingus...mmmmmm)
The Kenn
Gay Republicans, and other random crap that makes me ask WHY?
WOW! Only 2 months since my last post! Aren't you all proud of me? Not that I actually have any regular readers, seeing as I have no regular posts, but you know what? This is my fuckin blog and I'll write it any way I want. Deal with it. So, I choose to write as if there are thousands of devoted followers of Kenn waiting with baited breath for another jewel of wisdom to flow forth from my fingertips to the screen. (I want to appologize in advance for any typographical errors, I have already noticed 2 thus far, and probably won't catch many more). So...yeah. Here's the part where I'm supposed to be witty. Uhhh...not gonna happen. I'm just not feelin it today. But I felt that I should write something so I could take the chance to wish one of my bestest buds a Happy Birthday! It's 10/29! Happy birthday Bobo! To those of you not in the loop (loosers) that is Maria. She's 22 today! You know what that means? I'll be 22 in 17 days! Feel free to start sending annonymous gifts now, as the mail can take a while sometimes. I ordered this Malaysian ass cream for my issues (read post below to get filled in) and it took like 3 weeks to arrive. By then, I wasn't having issues any more. Huh. Go figure!
Ok, so I should actually talk about the topic at hand. Gay Republicans. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! I can sort of understand black, or hispanic, or women Republicans (as much as one can understand a mindset of such an uncaring and selfcentered nature). They got their civil rights, and now they want to feel that they are actually BETTER than Mr. Whitey, so they could give a flying fuck about keeping affirmative action. Plus they probably have some psycho religious morals (Baptist, Catholic, Mormon) that the Republican party is founded in (YEAH CHURCH!) but GAY REPUBLICANS? First...we have no civil rights. Why support a party that does everything in its power to destroy your civil rights? Second, I don't know very many gay people who belong to fanatical extremist religious cults like the ones previously mentioned (they don't want us!) So why gay republicans? Ok, the money thing I get. People with money like to keep their money. But there are much larger issues at stake here! Think of the community as a whole, not just your bank account! Speaking of Republicans...have you ever noticed how most military people are Republican? I don't get that either. Yeah, W pumps money into the military, but... what's the first thing a Republican does when he gets in office? Ship those muthufuckas overseas to die. but at least they're employed when they get shot! Ok, enough time on one topic...NEXT!
I got promoted at BM, got a new car, and squeaks totaled another one, the ex and I are cool now (he's not crazy), I need a haircut, I need to get laid, my brother is graduating from cooking school, I'm going to fail out of school, I miss Kate, and Mike a LOT, Jose want's to leave in May, Sundae (the cat) pukes all the time, I'm horribly deprived of sleep, and I think my Hemorrhoid is back. BUT...GAP Outlet selld Blue no. 655. So I'm happy as can be.
Talk to you' in a day or two, or a year...we'll just have to wait and see.
-Kenn
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I Told You I Suck At This "Journal Thing!" - 5 month update - GREASY FARTS AND OTHER THINGS
5 months and 3 days! That is how long it has been since my last post! I actually forgot about it completely unti Clark brought it up today. So I found the page and re-read it to catch myself up on my own life. You know somethin? I'm funny. I'm a witty muthafucka! It might not seem funny when reading it, but you have to picture me saying the stuff, and gettin all worked up and talking really fast, blazing from one subject to the next with hardly a pause for breath. It's much funnier that way. Trust me.
OMG! So much has happened since the last post! Tim STILL hasn't given me my 5-year pin at the BM, and, once again, I owed the Bursar's office like a kajillion dollars. But I paid them off! Here we are one week into the Fall semester, and I don't owe those bitches a fuckin dime! I rock. What else...oh yeah - Had a boyfriend, dumped the boyfriend, he is now completely insane. Total sweetheart and I wish him all the best, but lemme tellya...That bitch is not wound too tight! Oh yeah, I work at IBT's now too - barback! Yippee! Oh yeah, and now with the new law in effect, tonight is the first night that I work that we close at 2am. Super fun! And speaking of the bar, Mike R. just turned 21! Congrats Mike! Legal drinking is cool.
You know what really sucks? HEMORRHOIDS! Yup, you heard that right! I got a little friend back there who says howdie every time I take a shit! OUCH! So the doctor told me to eat lots of fruits and veggies to "soften my stool" so I said fuck that and bought some fiber pills. Problem: gas. LOTS of gas. I'm also takin Hemorrhoidal suppositories. They're not too bad, but they are kinda greasy. The cool thing is that they melt pretty quickly in my ass, so they're not too uncomfortable. What sucks is the combination. Oily melting suppositories + excess gas = me farting and shooting grease out my ass! I'm 'bout to go get me some Poise pads or somethin. I thought I shit my pants today, and ran - err...waddled to the bathroom to clean up. Turns out, it was just a greasy fart.
On that note, have a fabulous life until I decide to enrich it with more of my witty ramblings.
My Very Own Personal Hell!
Wow. I can't fucking believe it. Yesterday, March 23rd, 2004, marked my 5 year anniversary with Boston Market. That's sad. I've been there for 5 years! I REALLY HATE MY JOB!!! It is depressing to even think about. If you figure we sell around a hundred chickens a day, and I'm there 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year, for 5 YEARS! Do you know what that means? It means I need a fuckin life is what that means. I've contributed to the death and dismemberment of over 130,000 chickens. Bring it on PETA!!! Fuckin amimal rights activists! Kiss my ass! Shit, that's just whole rotisserie (row-tiss-er-ee) - you'd be surprised at how many dumb-ass bitches can't say that fuckin word, but I digress - birds, and on the days I work. If you count the grilled breasts and the chickens from my days off, we went through another 100,000 birds. A quarter of a million chickens have been slaughtered for my job. Sort of. Yeah, so this is all random babble, but I think that's what I promised when I started this, so lick my left nut and quit your bitchin muthafukka!
In other news, the UofA Bursar's Office can take me off their Most Wanted list. I finally paid the last $110 for this semester today. You know how much money they could save if they would stop sending me those friendly, convenient, little reminders about how much money I owe them? Because I'm sure that I'm not the only one getting them. What... do they think that I actually open it up? That it's news to me that I haven't paid them? Like I'm checkin the mail and thinkin "Hmmmmm a letter from the UA...it says Bursar's Office...and 'Statement Enclosed'...what could it possiby be??? I think I'll open it up in case it is some how different from the bill I got last week that is now in the trash..." Actually it goes more like this: checkin mail, see letter, read U of A Burs- TRASH. They could save tiume and effort by putting a nice little message on my Student Link when I log in "Hey DUMBFUCK! We want our fuckin money or we're gonna break your knees!" I think that would be much more effective. Maybe I should quit Boston Market and go run the Bursar's Office!!! YES!!! THAT'S IT!!! That would solve both of today's problems. I'm such a genius! Aren't you glad that you got to come along for the ride?
Peace out!
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Okay, so it's finally time for another post. So let me say a little about myself, to catch everyone up and make sure we're all on the same page. I'm Kenn. I'm 21. Born: 11/15/1982 - I expect birthday emails from every one of you now. I'm 5'10", 150 lbs, brown hair, blue eyes... alltogether a very average guy - well as average as any gay man can really be. I mean, we are all inherrently fabulous! Ok, more about me. I'm a Soph at the U of A, and I just got accepted to the Eller College of Business at UA. Very cool. I work at Boston Market - the one by the Dinosaur McDonalds - where I am a manager. I talk a lot of shit and bitch about it, but I secretly love it or I wouldn't have stayed there for 5 years! Ok, that's a little about me. You know what else you need? A cast of characters. Assuming that I ever actually start posting crap on a semi-regular basis, it would help if you knew who I was talking about.
FRIENDS (listed in no particular order other than going down my buddy list on AIM)
Christopher - Good guy, very involved w/the gay community. One of my early gay resources, and a good friend.
Nick (Mexi) - As there are 2 nicks, we must differentiate. He's a good friend, even though we will probably talk shit about each other in our blogs. As the name might suggest, he is of Mexican desent.
Amanda - Nick's best friend and total sweetheart. Great fun whether at the bar or at the mall.
Rupa - Great girl who I met through Amanda. We celebrated Rupa's 21st B-day and now she's a lush like the rest of us!
John - I prolly won't talk too much about John, seeing as he moved to Atlanta, but he can consume more alcohol than anyone I know. Way cool.
Jose - AKA "the Jo" pernounced 'ho.' Jose is my roommate, and quickly becomming one of my BEST friends. We met through Christopher when I moved back to Tucson and we both need a roommate, so that's that. Jose puts up with all of my shit and is so good about it. I am a horrible roommate, but somehow he hasn't killed me yet. I should buy him breakfast today.
Nick (Brit) - Jose's old roommate, before me. He is from England. He says funny English things that make me laugh. He's a great guy. He and his bf Bill are such a cute couple that I want to vomit.
Chris M. - Another Chris, prolly won't make the pages of my random babble (nothing personal Chris) because he moved to Michigan. He's quite a character though.
Avneet - One of the Punjabi Princesses. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. We met in the dorm, through Kate. So many great nights of attempting to study until 2 or 3.
Sanjum - The other Punjabi Princess. Also a wonderful and beautiful girl. She is an Econ major, and I don't know how she does it...snore...but she does. I also met Sanjum in Manzi-Mo dorm (she and Avneet are roommates). Sanjum is a SUPERFUN lunch date!
Mike - Originally I met MIke through Neal. Such a sweetie. We kind of lost contact for a while, but it turned out that he's also good friends with Jose. So now we hang out all the time, and even though he likes bad movies, he gives the best presents ever!
Kate - One of my bestest friends in the world! We met when we were 15 at theatre camp. The show: Grease. Kate was Rizzo, I was Roger - if you ask me who Roger is, I'll slap you, he's a cool character that was renamed in the move, and almost cut out. But a good part on stage. Anyway, back to Kate. We were fat together. Even though she was always beautiful, now she's a total hottie, she wears a size 2! She's also my egg and I'm her sperm. We are gonna make a beautiful baby!
Maria - She is another one of my bestest friends. Maria was the FIRST person that I came out to. We've known eachother since 1st grade - going on 12 years! For a time we were inseperable. Unfortunatly, time has led us in different directions, but I would still trust her with my life, and I know that if either one of us is ever in trouble, the other will be there. Plus the bitch always kicked my ass at Rampart!
Mike R. - another one of my closest friends, Mike and Maria got really close in 8th grade and for a long time I was jealous of their relationship. But Mike is a great guy, and was very supportive when I came out, and later came out himself. He's also a great friend and listener, which is good for someone as long winded as me. Now he and Maria are roomies, and they have a very cool apartment, where someone is ALWAYS drinking! Ahhhhh college!
WORK PEOPLE
Tim - AKA The Cock. Tim is my GM and has been my boss for a long time. Usually we get along great, but every now and then, I want to kill him.
Jessica - AKA The Bitch. Jessica is really cool. Actually a good friend of mine. I trained her when she got hired. Then when she baceme an HSM (hourly shift manager) I trained her for that too. Then I got stupid and moved to Fresno, and she got good, and when I came back Tim had decided to promote her, so now she's technically my boss. The Bitch!
Brenda - AKA Mom/Whore/Bitch/Old Woman. WE LOVE BRENDA! She's gettin close to 50, but still has a mouth that can make a sailor blush and can drink a lot of grown men under the table.
Lori - AKA Squeeks. Jessica's little sister. Lori is one of the people next in line to become an HSM. She and I are very close - she's like a little sister to me. And we all love to pick on her.
Okay, so I've been going on and on and on and on for about an hour now. Unfortunately for you, there were no fun anecdotes, or little treasures of wisdom. But, if you are going to be spectator to the story of my life, you must have a general grasp on the main characters, and now you do. There are other people, who I will introduce as time goe on, but that's a good start. To those wonderful people who didn't make the list - well, I guess you know what I really think about you now! Just kidding! It just means that I don't have your Instant Messenger, or you are not directly linked to someone who is on the list in suck a way that my brain thought of you as I typed the other's name. No worries, you can feel special enough to need no formal introduction.
Ok, that's enough for today. TTFN.
